last seen: 12/06/26
june favourites holy shit, as if it's been 3 months since i last checked on this webpage 
a lot has happened since: i've registered my bachelor thesis :') it's due in 6 weeks, and i have yet to actually get into writing the darn thing, as i've only been doing research the past 3 weeks. my thesis concerns itself with curatorial music audiences in a concert film context, with specific emphasis on their role as active parts of each performance, as opposed to a more voyeuristic/observing one. i know that i was an avid hater of uni stuff and i was so eager to get out of this whole thing, but i really find such joy in what i'm doing rn, which is theoretical research and contemporary (film) analysis. especially looking into a musical context is super interesting. when i (hopefully) graduate in october, i'll search for an internship in the field, to gain some practical experience, but once i'm done with that, i'll enroll in a film master's programm next year. i might wanna get my phd. i dunno 
when i think about myself at the beginning of this year and what i am like now, i can see a huge chunk of progress over the course of a considerably small time frame. i am way more confident in myself and potential "future plans." i've grown to be way less dependent on others. safe to say, i'm very confident in what i'm doing, even though i don't really understand it most of the time :0). c u soon!
ello gents and gals, it has been quite a loong time since i last blogged an entry. i am currently very deep in the midst of writing all my dumbass uni assignments. i am in the trenches basically is what im saying. i also caught some sort f stupid bug and have a stuffy runny stuupid nose. its really gross. my voice sounds like i gulped down 2lbs of mud whilst inhaling my own farts. or sth. oh and i also went to the ptician today and secured a new pair of glasses 
theyre super cool and i will be able to see the world supa dupa ultra sharp agin. i went with my parents and my sister, and right after my papa was up for his examination it qucikyl turned out he has a glaucoma, which, look it up if u dont know what that means dum dum. so that wasnt really super cool, as u can probably imagine. welp thats about it guyzz c u soon 
i called her yesterday, after not having spoken in like 5 days. i explained myself properly and we proceeded to talk about random stuff and cathcing up for almost 3 hours. i dont want to keep in touch that intensely as of right now. things are not good all oof a sudden just because we had a talk, and i told her that. i want to see proper change, and honestly i dont even feel the urge to text her constantly anymore, which is really good. i struggle doing things on my own when in public (as opposed to when im home omo, i love being on my lonesome when at home) and that often resulted in me depending on her presence either in person or through text. which is ridiculous. im 21 years old.
its funny to experience things anew after all this time of constantly doing those together. its peaceful, and i get to think a lot. i also feel more motivated to go about my day and pick up old hobbies (i finished 2 sewing projects in 2 days the past weekend). im finding back to myself, and if i dont make out an honest attempt at her changing awful behavioural patterns, ill leave. this decision takes so much pressure out of the friendship
i dont know how this is gonna go on. we texted for 2 hours last night, and it was filled with such contempt. i have almost nothing left for her. its all written in pixels. it left my head ages ago.
of course she called me last night, only 2 complain about her middle school troubles. from adult woman to adult woman. its ridiculous. and all this "i do care about u yadda yada", but then choosing to miss out on every single opportunity to show any sort of interest in any of the shit i do from day to day. its disappointing. not that i need anybody to shove themselves up my ass, but being acknowledged from time to time seems like an appropriate desire in a friendship. maybe im wrong.
i put everything on hold. i archived shared chatrooms, so notifications cant get through to me. i want to form a habit of "not-caring", and this is the process. dont throw me away and apologize for the impact. pussy, cant even admit to letting go. pathetic
it has been practically a month since i last showed signs of being alive. things havent really changed over these past couple of weeks. my friendship has grown more distant and ive come to accept that. no need to get into huge detail again. things are just the way they are, and im okay with that.
i bought a nintendo online membership and ive been playing sm splatoon bro its so cool. im starting to play more games in general, which is so 2021 of me. i want to get more games from the prof layton series, only got the mystery village one and that alone is soo so cool. well, anyways. spring break started a couple days ago and im glad to get away from university. no more need to feel ashamed and guilty for skipping classses if there arent any to befin with! hehe. i dont know if i mentioned it in any of my last entries, but im super close to writing my bachelor thesis and i have yet to decide on a topic. im thinking music videos or commercial films. or something gdr related. im leaning towards the mv topic tho, since ive recently developed a mild obsession with devo and their videos (i can recall every single 1 of theirs in designated order of seconds). your connection to individual songs, or even genres at that, can shift heavily depending on wether youve seen the assigned mv or not. i tend to click more with songs once i have actually watched their assorted mvs.
hello guys and gals, its been like a week since i last updated my blog. todays entry concerns friendship.
i wouldnt necessarily call myself a super social person. i have a pretty handful of acquaintances (both uni and school friends), yet i would only consider one particular friendship a true friend, in the sense that i know everything about her and she knows everything about me. i am terrible at maintaining friendships. not because i dont care, but because i dont need to. i like to keep to myself most of the time. well, except for when i can meet up with b.f., then i make some time. not always though, more like 7/10 times. i dont feel the need to meet people and hang out with people. im not antisocial though. thats a whole nother thing.
i feel like we are drifting apart, which i dont find too terrible to be completely honest. i really feel an actual change in behaviour and values, when i compare myself now at 21 to me at 18 or 19. the development i went through during my time at college alone makes up a great part of this process of maturity. and thats merely 2 1/2 years. b.f. hasnt changed that much. which, no offense to her, is not really en par with my personal experience. i cant blame her for that ofc, everyone moves at their own pace. but i am allowed to get annoyed when it comes to her immaturity. why has she only moved an inch at best when it comes to her progress? like, why do you still care about that one girl that gave you the stankeye 4 years ago? everything is also always a competition for her too. i know that im super great and the best and basically perfect/j but you dont get to keep me up on a desirable, invisible pedestal. it makes me uncomfortable. her frustration and problems are keeping me aback and slowly pulling me towards misery. and i dont need that in my life anymore. i have tried in the past, but i just dont wanna do it any longer. if she wants to be delusional and miserable thats fine by me. but she can very well do that on her own.
current obsession:
i slept like 3hrs last night and its currently 3 am and im still not super tired? like, my sleep schedule has been so messed up these past couple of weeks (going 2 bed super late and then sleeping in way too long) and i thought staying up super late and then wakng up fairly eearly would do the trick. apparently not.
im also going home today and i really dont want to. its a 3hr torture ride hybrid, consisting of multiple bus/train line changes. and shit never works out either. as if 3hrs werent already annoying as shit (fucking stopover in stuppid frankfurt bro) the fact that you always always always have to deal with spontaneous delays and cancellation doesnt minimize the time spent in transit necessarily.but all in all i am very exciited to go back home. even just for the weekend. i also get to take my remaining xmas gifts home with me 
. i finally get to put my 2lb jelly eban bag in my designatedd dispenser!
ok. well, i am super tired all of a sudden (finally), so i will log off for now. but everything is gonna bec cool.
bro im finally (somewhat) done with designing this website. im so glad i found an actual step-by-step tutorial on yt, or else i would have lost my mind even slightly attempting 2 do sth like this on my own lol. im still no expert at programming, which you can most definitely tell, but im proud of myself nonetheless
hello ladies and gentlemen, it is currently 5am and i am not yet in bed, not sleeping, nowhere near feeling sleepy (this feeling might have been induced by gulping down around 16oz of caffeine) whatever. spring break is appearing in close proximity and i honestly cant fucking wait to just go home and not do shit for 2 months. well, i still have to hand in like 2 portfolios, 1 5k word term paper, study for both written and verbal tests. oh and easter can also suck my ass. i h8 easter sm, well hate might be a strong word, but i just cant get myself to care about it in the slightest bit. its just annoying and then some.
im still in a state of "finding" myself, if you wanna call it that, its getting easier by the day tho. i dyed my brows gingerish 2day and they look so cool, i also did my makeup and everything, although i havent left the house in a week and didnt go outside today either. i felt really pretty, well i also was (ive got pictures 2 prove it). my sense of fashion is still on brakes atm tho, i try to get inspired by pinterest posts and it kinda works, but i also wanna do my own thing yk? i cant just straight up copy somebody else and expect to be happy and feeling myself. it doenst work like that. but i really enjoy burning cds and transfering music 2 my mp3 player. its a lot of fun! i also listen to said cds and other albums i already own the physical copies of, same with movies: i try 2 watch dvds mor frequently, although thats a bit more complicated, since my collection isnt that big yet and i tend to get really picky with movies
random side info: i used to be a certified rewatch-hater, I was strictly against watching a movie a 2nd time (this was oviously before my film student days) and i didnt even have to "hold myself back" in that aspect, i just couldnt care less for a rewatch. details werent really my main focus. it was the entirety that mattered most to me. and if i didnt get a movie right off the bat, i didnt feel "deserving" of giving it another go, or well, inclined to might be a better way to put it.
nowadays, i absolutely love rewatching movies, more often than not even multiple times! its all in the details. almost like a scavenger hunt for supposed meaning and infinite inspiration :) also: i love the beastie boys still. im 15 all over again.
my friend paulina left today and i went to a seminar on british modernism (i think?) and bro on the way there, guess what happened to me: i slipped and fell straight on my cold ass. not because i was running or anything, since i was very well aware of it being icy and slippery out and despite waddling slower than a sloth about to be euthanized I fell in a matter of milliseconds. people saw. and now my butt hurts owowow.
after this glorious, proud moment i also had to participate in class wth. ever since i graduated from hs ive never ever participated willingly. so you can already guess how that went for me. its whatever, embarassment lasts forever.
winter break is officially over, i had to go back to stinky university 2day and it wasnt even half as bad as id anticipated. i dont know what i got my guts in a twist about, maybe because i havent really done any work in like a month and a half. i am writing this as i wait for my machines wash cycle to be over, i had to throw my stinky bag in there, since that old thing hasnt been cleaned in 2 years. disgostang.
my friend is supposed to visit me 2day and shes late as hell. db held her up. dumbass deutsche bahn. usually the drive from biedenkopf to mainz is like 3hrs by train but errm with the db its easily gonna be like 5 or 6 *-* anywayys, i am still figuring out how to properly code and im pretty terrible at it, if i may say so myself. but i like my name. i was surpriesed nobodyd taken it by this poinz\_.-._/
coming soon...
